March 26, 2021
EP 30 How to Bless & Release Your Adult Child. Moving from Rule Regulating Parenting to Relationship-Based Parenting. When it's Time to Let Go & Let God! For Biblical Scriptural Mamas
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Hey guys, today, we are going to let go and let God sometimes that is one of the hardest things to do. I want to acknowledge it right now that this is hard, hard work, but sister, you can do it. Let's go friends. We're going to let go and let God okay.
Welcome back to this episode of Wholly Made Life today. I want to expand a little bit on what I talked about on the last episode, which was going seven levels deep on your why. And I brought up this conversation about our children and letting our children go. And I'm currently in this season where my oldest is now 18, he'll be 19 in July. And he went off to college all the way to Arizona, 26 hours away. And that was one of the hardest things ever is letting him go that far and learning how to continue to parent from a place where he's a teen and he's into adulthood changing over that style of kind of a rule based parenting to a relationship based parenting because what's so important throughout. And we've talked about this in lots of other episodes for different things, but relationship and honesty and integrity in that relationship is number one.
And so I've always tried to create this relationship with my kids, where they feel comfortable enough to share with me and talk to me about the truth about what's going on in their lives, what they're doing, how they're feeling, even if the actions that they're taking are not desired, ones are not ones that I would necessarily approve of, but creating that relationship where it's safe enough for them to come to me and talk to me about what's going on. It's that fine line of condoning versus loving conditionally despite their behaviors or despite what they're doing. You know, interestingly, as they transition into teens and especially adulthood, it's really important to kind of, as a parent, try to transition out of that rule based regulation based parenting, where they need those rules and confinement such as you know, when they're little and they're going to touch a hot stove, well, you're going to jump in and you're going to take over and you're going to do the things you need to do to keep them safe.
There becomes a point though, when they get into this teen and adulthood where they're starting to create their own independence. And at some point we're going to have to let go and let God, right? Because despite our want to create this safe place for our kids, they still have to grow and learn and do on their own, whether they're making mistakes or not. And of course they're going to make mistakes. We all did. And I mean, when I think about myself in college and other, and even, you know, yesterday there are mistakes that I make on a daily basis, but if I didn't make those mistakes, I wouldn't have learned to do things differently to get a different result. So as a parent, we have to allow that ability for our child to make those decisions. And I think for me, when I was talking about that seven levels of why, of why I get so worried, anxious, upset, why it bothers me if one of my kids makes decisions that I don't approve of or that kind of thing.
It also comes back down to that same thing that I've talked about before related to how people perceive me as a parent, as a person in society, as a leader who, whatever that is, if my kid's not acting right, then it reflects something upon me was how I used to take that on. And what's important to realize is that just because your kiddo is doing something that they should or shouldn't do it doesn't reflect on me as a person or as a parent necessarily. Now it's really hard to not take that on. And I can give an example. If I see something posted by one of my kids on social media site that I don't approve of, I am going to pick up that phone and let it, especially for my oldest, I'm going to pick up my phone and be like, dude, what are you thinking?
Think about how you're representing yourself, how you're representing your family, your school, your job, because that's important and that's parenting. But at the same time, I have to choose to allow my child to at the end of that, make his own decision. And I shouldn't say child, I should say young adult. Okay. And obviously I'm going to be a little bit more careful about how I approach that because I don't want to create guilt and shame for behaviors that are not appropriate, but redeemable. Okay. So I am saying to you kind of how I'm thinking, like, dude, what are you doing? But as I approach that with him, I'm going to have that conversation a little differently, obviously to try to remove some of the judgment and maybe the critical nature of that conversation to ensure that he knows, listen, I love you. And I want the best for you.
And I want you to portray yourself in the best light. I want you to be you, but I also want you to be true to who it is you're called to be that kind of thing. And it's just a really hard transition because when they're 14 or 12 or 11, if they post something or get involved in something, I have that ability where I'm still in that rule-based parenting stage where I can just give consequences and take away the social media, take away the phone, you delete his account, that kind of thing. But once you get into young adulthood, especially when they're paying for their own phone, their own bills, there's a limited amount of regulating that I can do at that point. And while I wish and hope and pray that my child or my young adult will present himself in a way to society that is respectful and loving and displaying who it is that I know God's calling him to be.
That's not always going to be the case. And I can't always assign whatever that perception is to the job I did as a parent. Now, have I made mistakes? Yes. A hundred percent. And I continue to make daily mistakes because none of us are the best parent we can possibly be all the time because we are fallible. We make mistakes, but that's what God's there for. He's there to stand in the gap from when we make our mistakes. You know, as long as you know that you've done the best you could do with the resources you have, and you are attempting to use biblical principles to raise your children such as like in Proverbs 26, it says, train up a child in the way he should go. Even when he's old, he will not depart from it. That speaks to our foundation that we're building with our children so that when they do grow up to be adult children of ours, that they won't depart from it.
And that their spirit will be drawn back if they do sway or do fall away a little bit, but they've got that foundation and they've got that relationship with Holy spirit to come back to what matters. And the other is that Proverbs 13, 24, whoever spares, the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. So when I talk about not owning the outcomes of our children, that's not a hundred percent, you know, because we do have a responsibility to parent biblically and take the responsibility to discipline our children in a way that's going to be able to create the most productive children we can. But to also know that it's our job to put that foundation in. But at some point they're going to have to make choices and that God will cover and God will stand and go after his children always no matter what.
And so even if we haven't and been raised by biblical parenting, gods stands in that gap because overall God is our father. And he always has been, always will be. So we have that responsibility, but at the same time, you know, they're still individuals and they still are going to make their own choices. Especially when you get into that late teen adult, a young adult to take on the full responsibility of every choice that your adult child is making is just not a fair thing to put on yourself. It's just not, it's not a fair thing to do to yourself, to beat yourself up because your adult child is making choices that you may or may not agree with. Does that make sense? But it's an inner work as a parent to not define our success or failure as a parent based on decisions that our young adult children are making.
And I just thought for whatever reason that came up and I thought, let me talk about this a little bit more, if not for you guys for myself, because I still, when these things happen, I still have to stop that circling thought that starts to happen in my head of, Oh my gosh, people are going to think like, what in the world are you doing? How did you raise him? I mean, are you raising, you know, barbarians over there? Or what, because number one, I don't know that people are actually thinking that because when it's not your own kid, it's not, there's not a responsibility or that ownership to feel a certain way about what that other kids that other moms kid is doing or saying. However, there is that, that it takes a village to raise. So like a lot of people in my church helped me raise my, my kids.
And I mean, two of my kids don't remember life before we were part of this church atmosphere that, you know, they've grown up there and everybody knows them and everybody's looking out for them. And, you know, I'll have people come to me and say, Hey, are, are, did you see that or this? And I appreciate that because I think it does take all of us to love each other enough to help each other raise our kids. But at the same time, they don't own how my child, my adult child presents himself in the community. I own that. So I'm going to see that differently than somebody else might. Okay. And my challenge to you would be, if you are in a place where, when people's children do things that you think, wow, they should not have done that, or whatever the case may be to just challenge yourself and think about, are you defining the quality of that?
Child's parents parenting because of the way that children are acting. And again, when they're small children, toddler, age, you know, all toddlers have these stages where they cry and scream and kick and throw tantrums. And certainly all of us have different parenting styles. And there are some styles that are more effective in squashing, certain kinds of behaviors than other styles. So I'm not necessarily talking about that. I'm just challenging you to really think about and reflect upon feelings and thoughts that you get about people's parenting styles before you make judgment, reflect on that and understand that every parent is most likely doing the very best that they can with the resources, experience, knowledge, support, health, status, money, status, et cetera, that they have at that given time. Everyone's most likely doing the very best that they can with the resources they have at that time.
And it could be an opportunity where maybe the Holy Spirit's nudging you to provide some sort of assistance, whatever that assistance might be, or maybe it's just prayer for that parent in that child. Okay. So again, it's just a small nudge and challenge because I had the same thing when I think these things about myself and there have been times in my life, especially in behavioral health, where I dealt with adolescents, and there were horrific stories about things that parents did or didn't do. But I also, the way that I could be most effective with that child as I was helping that child stabilize some behaviors or working with the parents, as we were trying to get the kids back into the homes, what was most effective was for me to remember that there are a lot of circumstances that I'm not privy to. There's a lot of history and experience or lack thereof that I'm not privy to.
Or if I am that I can start to see that they were doing the best they can with the resources they had. So it's just a small challenge as we're talking about making those judgements about parents based on children's behaviors. The other big thing is that somebody in my church in a leadership meeting said this last night it's about getting on your knees and praying because sometimes at the end of the day, you have to just pray because that's what we have control over. That's what we have the power over. We have to trust that God's going to do what he said, he's going to do. We, we know what he says about us, and I know what he says about my child, my adult child, and I have to just trust. And if there are things happening as I continue to walk out this, being an adult, being a mom of an adult child, when things happen, if they happen, I have to continue to remember that the best thing I can do is yes, continue to speak life over him and continue to pray that those are the most powerful things is reminding him of who he is, who he's been called to be, and then trusting God to move him and draw him near.
And this is about just in general, how we can empower ourselves to continue to parent in the best way that we know how once our kids hit adulthood. I'm not saying that my child was out there doing all kinds of crazy things or any air. He doesn't know, you know, kind of who he's been called to be, but all of us, as we transition into that college life, we it, at least this is my first time transitioning into this place where, okay, I can't just give him the rules and say, this is what you're going to do. And my 14 year olds coming up on that age to where I've got to kind of drop some of that rule, regulated parenting and build more into the relationship. So one of the best things I think, besides the prayer and speaking life over your children and continuing to do that, no matter what I mean, you know, until my kid until the day that I'm no longer walking this earth, I will pray and speak life over all the people in my life, because I believe that God hears those prayers.
And I know that God will do what God does, which is work everything out for our good, I think that the best thing we can do in addition to giving it to God and continuing to pray is to just love, love our kids, love the people in our lives because we can't control our kids' choices or lifestyles. It's just our job to love them. And we love them regardless. We love them unconditionally. We don't make our love conditional on whether or not our kids doing what he, I think that he should do. It's not a conditional love. It's a unconditional love. And letting our kid know that we are so grateful for who he or she is. We're so grateful for what God's put into their life and put into their spirit and just calling out all of those things that God has said about our kids and loving them unconditionally, because it's not just because we love them unconditionally doesn't mean that we have to approve of choices or lifestyle.
And this is with anybody in your life. I love all because that's what God tells me to do is to love all I love big and I love hard and I love all, but it doesn't always mean that loving someone means you have to accept behaviors or choices that they have. You can love people close to you or far from you without having to condone what it is they are doing or saying you don't have to always agree with everything, but just because you disagree with something doesn't mean you can't love. So it's not about judgment. It's about loving someone enough to be beyond what choices and lifestyle. And thank God that people have loved me beyond my choices sometimes and my lifestyle sometimes. Okay. You know, I am grateful for those that continue to love me, regardless of the choices that I made. I mean, I had let's see, I met my husband 24 years ago and we, we were married 11 years later in two kids.
So despite that choice that I made and the lifestyle that we lived for 11 years, where we cohabitated and we got pregnant, I was, we were together five years before I got pregnant with Clayton. And, you know, I beat myself up about those choices. Cause I wish that I could have done it differently. I wish I could have done it. The way that I know is right, which is to get married first and then have kids. But it's just not the way that it happened. It's not the, the lifestyle that I chose for that time. Now it's hard at this day and age to say, do, as I say, not as I do, because the reality is, is that as we lead our life, we leave an example for others. Now I hope that my kids make a different choice than I did all of us as parents.
Do. We all want our kids not to go through the same mistakes that we did or they make the same mistakes that we did. But the reality is, is that I also learned through that mistake, my relationship with God, my relationship with my husband now is tighter than it has ever been because I learned through those choices that I made. I learned how, how grace, how much grace and how much mercy and forgiveness I learned how to forgive and love harder and bigger than I would have otherwise. You know, the timing of Clayton's birth was such divine timing. So God blesses things, even though we may not be always doing the things that we're supposed to do, not blessing our choices in our lifestyle necessarily, but he loves us enough to be faithful to us and to have that grace and mercy. So I just felt like I wanted to expand a little bit on that topic because I still, you know, as a parent, I want what's best for my kids.
And I know that you do too, but sometimes as parents it's that balance of that rule, regulated parenting versus that relationship related parenting. And then also how to deal with disappointments or things that happen when our kids or our husband or people close to us are making choices that we just don't agree with, or that we, it breaks our heart because we know that choice is not going to result in the blessing that we want for them. So being able to balance those things with also understanding conditional love, regardless of those things, and also understanding that our God is a big God, and God will set us free. God will watch over us. God will send those angels before us to protect our paths. He's, he's saved us for so many things that we don't even know that we were saved from. He is working all things out for our good, so it's that faith and that trust, knowing that that's also happening, it's about handing over our trust to God and knowing that he will stand in the gap, he will continue to cover and protect.
And we know that he will continue to pull the people that we love closer to him, despite our own choices. And it's about not taking on the ownership of every choice that the people in our lives make. If it's different than what we would have chosen, their choices, other people in our lives, including our adult children or, or our small children, their choices don't define who we are or define how we did as a parent or how I am as a wife. Yes, it's connected, but it doesn't define who I am as a parent or who I am in God or who I am as a wife. You understand what I'm saying? It's it's important that they have a foundation, but an individual's choice is that individual's choice. The reality is, is that the only thing that defines is something for that person. There's not a direct 100% connection or definition that that gets attached to another person based on another person's actions.
So I don't know how clearly I'm saying that, but it's just important to remember that it doesn't define who you are as a parent. The only thing that defines who you are is what is in the Bible. It's got to align with that truth. So just remember that when you're struggling with that, if you struggle with that, like I do and have just remembering to align it up with the truth of what God says, who you are. So I just want to pray over you and your children today. God, I thank you for your consistency. I thank you for you having the last say in who we are. And I just thank you for the grace and the mercy. I thank you for being there to stand in the gap when we have to let go and let God I thank you for being the, the person we can lean on.
I thank you for giving us a safe place to hide under your strength under your will, under your wings of protection. I just thank you that you have given us a stable place to be in love in grace and mercy and forgiveness. I thank you God for saving us. I thank you God for protecting us. God, give us the strength, the wisdom, and the discernment on when and how to intervene in our young adult children's lives and our young child's life and our husband's lives and our coworkers life. God give us the strength, the wisdom and discernment. That's what I pray for right now, for all the parents, listening, all the coworkers, listening, all the sisters and the wives, listening. God give us that wisdom and discernment to know when and how to intervene in a way that is going to be in alignment of love.
Unconditional love for our sister or brother, son, or daughter in Christ. I thank you God for that discernment. And I just thank you for loving us. The overwhelming love that you have for us, let us have even a small, tiny portion of that for others in our lives. Give us the ability to love so big and so hard that regardless of the choices that the people in our lives are making, that they know that we love them. That's what we're called to do. Loving others. Like you have loved us in Jesus. Holy, all, mighty name. Amen. All right, sisters, thank you so much for listening. And if you've liked this episode, please don't forget to share it. Leave a review that helps us get the word out and get the podcast shared to show up for when others are searching. It just is such a huge help.
And I'm so grateful and thankful for you guys who are listening. And again, if you are ever stuck in a place where you just don't know how to proceed through something going on, don't forget that I am offering one-on-one individual sessions. There's a half hour power session and a one hour deep dive where we can get together and we can get through wherever it is that you feel stuck. Okay. just email me at Angietoninirogers@gmail.com and you'll be able to get information on the coaching menu that I have. Thank you guys. Love you guys. Have an awesome weekend.
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