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EP 36 WARNING! Don’t Listen with Your Kids! How Do I Deal with Mom Guilt? Redefining Success as a Busy Working Mom- Time to Slay that Monster Like David Slayed Goliath

April 14, 2021

*WARNING!! DONT LISTEN TO THISS ONE WITH YOUR KIDS!*

EP 36 How Do I Deal with Mom Guilt- Redefining Success as a Busy Working Mom- Time to Slay that Monster Like David Slayed Goliath

We're going to talk about this big monster, and we're going to take this thing down. And this big monster that we're going to talk about today is called mom guilt. I know all of you guys have had this monster in your house. We're about to take this mom guilt monster down like David took down Goliath. Are you ready? Let's go.

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Hey, what's up ladies. Welcome back to episode 36. And today we are going to talk about it. We're going to talk about this big monster, and we're going to take this thing down. And this big monster that we're going to talk about today is called mom guilt. I know all of you guys have had this monster in your house. We're about to take this mom guilt monster down like David took down Goliath. Are you ready? Let's go.

Hey, welcome back ladies. And we're going to talk about this big monster that I know a hundred percent of you guys who have kids deal with probably on a daily basis, if not multiple times. And it is the monster giant called mom guilt. I said it we're going to take them down. Like David took down Goliath because it is time to stop the madness and slay that giant. Okay. Number one, mom, guilt. What is it? It is basically when you feel guilty for doing things other than being a mom when you go to work, when you start your business, when you try to do self care, when you try to go to the bathroom for the love of God, with the door closed this mom guilt. And not only that, that you kind of put this on yourself, but it comes from expectations from society.

Maybe it comes from your mother-in-law. Maybe it comes from your mom. Maybe it comes from your sister. Maybe it comes from your best friend. Maybe it comes from your church. You know, everybody's got an opinion on what kind of mom you should be and what you should and should not be doing. Maybe it's all their opinions about whether you should breastfeed or not breastfeed, or whether you're teaching your kids sign language, or whether you are putting your kid in an extra tutoring class or allowing your kid to be in gymnastics and cheerleading and soccer and baseball and all of these things. You know, whether you are going to every sports event that your kid has, there are so many things that cause this monster mom guilt in for me, a lot of it is related to my work for a very, very long time.

Most of my kids' lives. Actually all of my kids' lives until June, until I just dropped Clayton off to college. My career essentially came first. I spent double the amount of time on my career and businesses that I then I did at home with my kids. It didn't mean I wasn't a mom. It just meant that a lot of my time was away from my kids. So yes, my kids were in daycare for for most of their lives. So it is so real, this guilt that we feel is so real, it's overwhelming, it's stressful. It's a lie that we believe. And we're going to talk about how to slay that thing today. Okay. So, you know, there are some things that you might feel a twinge of guilt for that is valid, and that should make you stop and think about the ramifications of what it is.

For example, if you are using extremely harsh words or yelling a lot, like I, you know, I am very passionate as you can probably tell three people that know me, especially people that I've worked with, just know that I get very passionate. My voice gets really loud and Ammonite it animated. And I use my hands a lot and I move a lot. And so they're like, you know, calm down, you know, and sometimes it can be misperceived as that I'm angry or something like that. But sometimes it's just that I'm just passionate about something and it's just the way I express myself. But I also, on the other hand am a yeller. I did a lot of yelling, especially once my second one came around, I had Clayton. And then of course, you know, he, that was easy for the first four years. I was by myself where he was by himself.

And so it was, it was quite frankly easy, easier. And then when the second one came and then certainly when the third one came you know, I have all boys and the two little ones just fought and wrestled and listen, I'm all about that boy life. But what people, you know, sometimes don't tell you about kids or, you know, all of the things that, you know, we pray and we're thankful for our kids and stuff, but we all have those things that like, you know, the blowout diarrhea all the way up the back while you're trying to get out of the house. And then you got two kids that just knocked the lamp off the table and the dog that threw up on the floor all at once when you're trying to get out and get them to school on time so that you can get to work on time.

You know, people don't really talk about that part of motherhood, but the way that I responded to that is sometimes I yelled a lot and it was, it's not, it was something I felt guilty about. And so that guilt is not necessarily to condemn myself and not forgive myself, but it is purposeful. It is, I guess there is a, a worthiness to that guilt because that isn't the best way to be yelling all the time at my kids. That's not the best way they think I'm critical. They think, you know, it, they just grow up thinking that I, they can never do anything. Right. And then I'm always going to yell and I'm never going to be happy and I'm never going to laugh and they're going to have fun, all those things. And so sometimes that guilt is there in it, but it gives you an opportunity to step back and do some self-awareness and some self-assessment to say, okay, what can I do differently?

Okay. But most of the other guilt that we're talking about, the things that are related to expectations from everyone else, and then the own expectations you are putting on yourself, because you have some grand idea of what a great mother looks like, and you're not meeting up to that. But if you're thinking about the Brady bunch, you know, and I don't know some other Suzy homemaker person that does all of these perfect little things and puts notes in the, in the lunch boxes with the cute little, you know, Mickey mouse shaped sandwiches and, and heart cantaloupes. And, you know, come on, give me, give me a break at that. Number one is not me. And quite frankly, I feel no guilt for not doing that. Now I, I have in done the little notes in the lunchbox, but you all want to know the straight truth is that when my kids were going to school and they were taking their lunch, Dwayne, my husband made their lunches.

I, I can't remember the last time I made my kids' lunch. Okay. It just is what it is. And you know what, I'm okay with that. I don't feel guilty about that anymore. But the point is is that there are so many things that we feel guilty about, and especially when it comes to work. So let's just talk about a few things that might be making you feel a little guilty. Number one, how many of you guys sometimes get a little annoyed with her kids? I, how many of you guys sometimes get annoyed with the nonstop talking or the look at me, look at me. Look at me. Look at me, look at me, look at me and then look at me again. And that's awesome. You've done the same thing a million times over now. I love the stuff out of my kids.

Okay. But let's just be honest. If you've ever been annoyed by one of your kids, I want you to, you know, raise your finger, raise your hand. Or if you're in the car with your kids right now, maybe this is an episode you should listen to later, but I probably should have given that Kathy in the beginning, but it's just life. It is what it is sometimes, you know, on episode 35, I think I just talked about the mood elevator. Sometimes you're in the red, on your mood elevator. You're way, way low. And you're on that impatient and frustrated, or maybe you're a little angry and hostile and you just aren't in the mood for that right then. And sometimes we give ourselves a lot of guilt for that. Well, I want you to know that it's okay to sometimes not feel like answering that question that they've asked a million times already.

Okay. It's okay. Something else. Let's talk about being a little bored here. Here's the truth. I love working in my career. I love running a business. I love feeling that sense of accomplishment. I also love when my kids you know, get a blue ribbon at the swim meet or when my kids get honor roll. I love those things because it makes me feel like I've done something to help that my kid earned that. So I feel a sense of accomplishment for both things. And it's okay. If you focus on your career and being a mom at the same time, it's okay. It's okay. If you actually enjoy your career more than reading goodnight moon. Okay. It's okay. There's no reason to beat yourself up about these things. Big thing I want to talk about is it's okay to redefine what you feel like successes in being a mom.

It's okay to redefine those. If you have not sat down to really think about what is it to be successful as a mom? What, what would I feel good at the end of the day or at the end in 20 years when my kids are all grown up, what would make me feel good as if I have succeeded as a mom? What are those things? And then it doesn't seem like such a big deal that you didn't do that extra game of Play-Doh today. We talk, it's a balance, right? You have 15 minutes of dedicated time with your kiddo and you play a game with them, or you read a book or you go to a soccer game or you go watch them on the trampoline, whatever it is you're doing, that's dedicated time that you're spending time, but it's not going to break, make or break.

If you don't spend the extra hour making a Play-Doh castle, it's just not, it's not going to in the end of 20 years, it's not going to make or break whether or not you were successful as a mom. So I just want you to stop beating yourself up. It's it's our kids are going to be okay. The number one thing is that if we have given our kids to God and we've given our faith and trust in God that he is going to cover us and stand in the gaps where we have not done everything we could have, or we failed in certain things, or we yelled one too many times. I think about my childhood growing up and my mom and dad best that they could, but they were perfect and they may mistakes. I ended up okay. And my kids are going to end up.

Okay, too. So it's okay. My mom worked, my dad worked we, we were home alone a lot and we turned out fine. It's just a lie to think that your focus on your career or your focus on instead of doing a Play-Doh castle, you are going to finish this report, or you're going to make this one phone call. It's just in the grand scheme of things in 20 years, when your kid is out, all grown up, think about what it is that you would want to know about your kid to feel successful. And then just backtrack from there, just focus on small things. We've talked about this in the whole relationship, part of our pie, where we're talking about parenting, we've talked about, you know, time blocking, where we just schedule in 15 minutes, a day or an hour, a day, or whatever it is that you feel comfortable with, you makes you feel good that you have spent with your kid.

You've taken that intentional time to let your kid know that you're there from the, for them. And that they're important to you and that kind of thing. So just be intentional about those things. Okay? The other thing is to reach out for help. Listen, we need that village. It takes a village to raise a child. We've talked about this. You need your village. You need your village. People reach out for help. I, a hundred percent promise you that somebody, you know, is feeling the same way you are about that next diarrhea. Blow out that went up through the baby's or that last ER trip, because your kid jumped off the couch yet, again, thinking he was Superman or that time you went to the ER, and then the guys at the ER, actually had a social worker come in and talk to you because this is the third ER trip, because your kid continues to jump off the top of the playground at the school.

Yeah, that's true. My little Clayton who now he'll be 19 in July. He jumped off the top of the playground at daycare three times, he had to deuce eggs in two weeks on his head, same, same place. And he ended up with a stretcher fracture in his leg because he was jumping off the playground. So I had to have a conversation because stress fractures in legs are not normal. Now of course there were lots of witnesses and they all, you know, settle that. And it wasn't a big deal. Other than you know, that there are no nurses and doctors are doing their job in, in the ER, but for the love of God, you end up in the ER, three times because your kid keeps jumping off the playground at school. You're not there. What are you going to do? I, you know, I felt guilty yeah.

About it. And I felt like horrible about it because I was at work, but what am I going to do? Lord have mercy. So things like that, that just make you feel so helpless and guilty. You've got to reach out for help is I is where I was going with that. You've got to reach out for help. You've got to take your own time for self care. You've got to protect your physical and mental health. You deserve to have help. You deserve to have a break. And it is time that you take that stone out of your pocket and shove it in the face of this monster called mom guilt and put it down for good slate. It, cut off its head and hold it up for everybody to see and say, no, no more. I am not going to, to succumb to these expectations that are unrealistic.

That don't matter. At the end of the day, it just doesn't matter that it didn't take the five extra minutes and do the extra Plato castle today. It just in a long scheme of things, the grand scheme of things, it's just not going to matter again. We talk about balance. This is not an every, you know, you don't skip it every year, but it's okay. Oh, here's another good one. Oh my gosh. This is. And especially as they get older, well, it happens a lot when they're little, you know how your kids like repeat stuff that you and your husband were talking about in your home. And then they go and repeat stuff that you said about someone. Well, so first, first lesson don't talk about people in front of you at all, but especially in front of your kids, if you, you know, you don't want your kids to repeat it.

But secondly, think about the time where your throwing a tantrum in the middle of the floor. Look, I promise you, another mom has experienced that. I have, you know what I did, I walked around the corner and I said, when you're ready, when you're ready to get up I'm ready to go. And I went and I stood by the door and I kind of watched from afar, monitoring him for safety. And I waited. He was throwing a tantrum about a Snickers bar. I kid you not the looks, the looks that I got in this door. Oh my gosh. I swear somebody was probably going to call security if I didn't go over and get them in a few minutes. But it is what it is. Listen, every single toddler in their life throws a tantrum. And sometimes yes, it's in front of a big, a big audience.

And it is what it is. It's just inevitable. Your kids are going to do something that is going to be embarrassing to you. But let me tell you something. It doesn't mean anything related to your parenting. You know, when my kid posts something on social media, he's 18 years old. Yeah. There's things that I might be embarrassed of because I am attaching what the choices are that he's making to everything that I did to raise him. The reality is he is his own person. He's going to make his own choices. And sometimes those choices are not going to be ones that approve of so I can make that clear. I don't approve of that choice. I would like for you to take that down off social media, that is embarrassing to me. You are not representing me as your mother in a way that I want you to, but that is life.

It doesn't, it doesn't define all the things that I, that one act that my child does. Doesn't define who I am as a mom. It doesn't mean that I don't have to talk myself down when things like that happen, but you just have to put in perspective, okay. I've rambled on quite a bit. I just wanted to speak to mom guilt because I know that thing is real. I know it, it, it, you know, it doesn't feel like a lie, but it is sometimes when you're in the middle of it, it just doesn't feel like a lie. But let me tell you something, mom, guilt is a lie for the most part. It's a lie. It here's the thing. Pray about the guilt that you're feeling, pray about it because God and the Holy spirit will guide you and let you know, is this something that I need to look at like that?

But like that one example I was giving of me yelling too much. That was real. And the Holy spirit you know, I, I prayed about it and it was very clear. It was revealed to me that I was yelling too much. I was stressed and taking out the fact that I was irritated and tired and spinning everything that I had at work. And I didn't have anything left for my kids. So I was just yelling. I had no patience left. So I had to figure out how to rebalance that so that I would not spend all the time that I had with him yelling. So sometimes it's, it's good. So define what success looks like to you, define what those expectations you are. You have of yourself and make sure that those expectations are realistic and pray about it. Pray about those times that you're feeling is especially guilty about something, pray about it and let the Holy spirit kind of lead you on what you need to do about that.

If you have set realistic expectations and you are still feeling guilty about something, then pray about it because he will show you what it is that you need to look to do differently. Guys, if you are feeling stuck, if you are in a place where you cannot, sometimes all it takes is somebody else outside of your situation, to look at what's going on and help you see something differently. Sometimes we're so deep in a situation that we just cannot see, see beyond it. If you're in that place and you just need another set of eyes, reach out to me, email me at Angie, tonyRogers@gmail.com. And I will help you by being that other set of eyes, I will make sure with you that the expectations you've set for yourself are fair and they're reachable. They're attainable. And if you know, you're in so deep that you cannot see above the water, I will help you get to a place where you can see above the water again.

All right, ladies, we will see you on the next episode. Get ready, slay that giant. No more mom, guilt taking over it's time for you to slay that giant once. And for all I know you can do it. You have been called specifically for your children. You were given your children on purpose for a purpose. You were exactly who God called you to be for your children. For the world changers that you are raising. They are yours to raise, and God has given you them, and he's trusted you with them. So do not feel any more guilt about you being the mom. God chose you specifically to be the mom for your child. Okay? No more mom guilt. That giant is slain. Hallelujah!

 

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