EP 17 Is Your Motherhood a Mess? How to Make Sure Your Kids Are Seen and Heard in 15 Minutes or Less Every Day- How to Succeed as a Mother

EP 17 Is your motherhood a mess- how to make sure your kids are seen and heard in less than 15 minutes a day- How to succeed as a mother today!

So the first thing I want to start with is talking about motherhood, being a mess. First of all, I want to know what does your motherhood being a mess even mean? Can you even define what your motherhood being a mess is? What does that look like to you? What does it feel like to you? Who says it's messy?

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What does Motherhood being a Mess even mean? 

How do you define Motherhood?

What does it mean to be a mother? 

How do I know if I'm doing motherhood the right way?

Am I failing as a mother?

Where did I learn how to be a mother? 

Who defines whether I'm a good mom or not?

How can I see or hear my kids every day? 

How can I spend time with my kids every day?

Use the technique of Be Here Now. Be present in the moment. Don't focus on the past or the future. Focus on right now. Avoid multitasking. Focus on the person in front of you for 15 minutes per day. Use time blocking to schedule time with your kids. Be intentional about spending time with your kids. 

Don't compare yourself to other mothers. God gave you your children on purpose, for a purpose. 

Join a community of other mothers to learn from them, share your stories, give your testimony, empower each other, encourage each other. Sisterhood, Friendships, Motherhood

Welcome back to episode 17. And today we're going to talk about, is your motherhood a mess and how to make sure your kids are seen or heard in 15 minutes or less a day. All right. So the first thing I want to start with is talking about motherhood, being a mess. First of all, I want to know what does your motherhood being a mess even mean? Can you even define what your motherhood being a mess is? What does that look like to you? What does it feel like to you? Who says it's messy. Okay. You know, in the garden where God asked Adam and Eve, once they were, uh, covering themselves with the leaves, he asked them who told you, you were naked. Well, who has told you that your motherhood is a mess? Has someone told you that? Or are you telling yourself that?

And where did you get the idea that your motherhood is a mess? So I want you to first think about really, I really want you to think about what does your motherhood being a mess mean? Like where do you get that definition from? What does that look like? What are you using to define or judge that your motherhood is a mess. But when I started thinking about this, as far as when you hear people say, Oh, my motherhood's a mess, I'm a mess. Um, I'm like, well, what does that mean? That you're a mess or that your motherhood is a mess. And who, or where do you get those thoughts who are aware? Do you get those definitions? And so my thought was, I couldn't really think of how motherhood was a mess, which also meant that if I can't really define what motherhood being messy is then can I even define what motherhood should look like?

Like, what is motherhood look like if it's not a mess, can, I mean, can any of you guys even define it? What I'd love is for you to hop over to the Facebook community, Holy made life. And let's talk about this because I want to hear your ideas of what motherhood being messy is, or your motherhood being a messes. If your motherhood wasn't a mess, what would it look like to you? Is there a picture in your head that you think of that motherhood should be? Is there something that you're thinking of as motherhood being defined as what it should look like, feel like, and what is that? If not, then how do you even know if you're doing it right? Or how do you even know that you're not doing it right? If you don't even know the answer to what motherhood is or what being a good mom looks like, then how in the world do we ever achieve being a good mother or achieve motherhood, not being messy.

You know, it's kinda like that. It's kind of like saying, um, you know what? I want you to go. I'm talking to my kid, Hey, go and get that. Watch them a call it, my kids like, okay, what's that? Where's that? How do you get there? What do you do? Where do I go? What am I looking for? Right. So if you're not even realizing what you're looking for or what it's supposed to look like or where to go to find it or what to do to get it, then how are you ever going to achieve? What quote, unquote, motherhood, not being a mess. It's you can't sit there and compare yourself to something or someone or somewhere that you don't even know what it is you're going after. Like how do you even know what motherhood not being a mess is if you don't know how to define it, you know what?

And if I say to my kid, Hey, go get that Shema last day. I mean, if he doesn't know what he's looking for, then how in the world are either enough, either of us and I get to this shallow Mosty, look, I don't even know what the word was. Cause I made it up. Cause I don't even know what I'm asking for. Right. I don't even know what it is. My goal is when I talk about motherhood, not being a mess. So the actual definition of motherhood is the States of being a mother. Okay. The state of being a mother, that's it. Everything else we're talking about, everything else you're saying, thinking of is actually outside of the definition of motherhood. So if you're attaching other things to the word, then at least let's have an awareness of where we're pulling that information from. Is it social media?

Is it motherhood magazine? Is it cosmopolitan? Is it, um, what to expect when you're expecting? I mean, to mother means to be a mother means to bring up a child with care and affection. So my guess is, is that on a daily basis, you are probably doing exactly what you should be to bring your child up with care and affection. You're looking after someone protectively and kindly. Okay. That's the other definition that you see as far as to mother and then finally to mother is to give birth to, so if you've given birth to your children and you're bringing up a child with Karen affection, well, you are succeeding in motherhood. So I think the, the point is here is that let's be really careful about defining our motherhood and the success of how good of a mother we are by things that are not necessarily meant to define the state of our motherhood, the state of being a mother.

Now, what we're probably describing are things that we experienced during motherhood, right? It's hard, it's exhausting. Sometimes it doesn't feel as rewarding as we would like it to. Sometimes we feel like we have failed in a situation because we lost our patients or lost our temper or we yelled. Or we said something that we shouldn't have said in anger. Sometimes I think that when we think about our motherhood being a mess, it's talking about the experiences as we care for our children. So I just want us to be mindful of let's at least first define where it is. We are getting our definition of what makes us a good mother and what makes us, and also let's put it in perspective because if you look at your motherhood, well, all of us are still mothering. If we have children or we have adopted children, or we've taken someone into our home to, um, bring up with care and affection, then we are still in the process of mothering.

We are still in the state of being a mother. So you can't mess up the entire motherhood in one day because you're always in process of being a mother. And that will continue until the day you die. Sometimes we make it bigger than what it needs to be. And we make it this big abstract thing out there that defines our entire state of motherhood. Instead of thinking about what can I do today to be a good mother. So that's what I want to talk about is let's make it small enough so that every single day we can practice being a good mother and we can learn to be a better mother tomorrow or later today, even. I mean, when you think about your kids and you think about, I mean, I want my kids to be successful. I want him to contribute to community. I want him to make an impact in the world.

Well, that's all great and fine. And absolutely, of course we want our children to contribute to society and be positive members of the community, but that doesn't happen today in, in all end of things, right? It doesn't happen today. And that's the end of it. It's an ongoing process because our children are growing every day and learning every day and becoming who they're supposed to be every day. Just like we are as women, as wives, as mothers, as bosses, as sisters, as friends, right? So our children are always going to continue to grow and learn just like we do. So it doesn't happen in one day. But what can we can do is start to focus today. How can we be successful in being a mother today? So I want to break down a technique that I like to use. And, um, it's called being in the moment or be here now.

And what that does is it gives us the opportunity to really focus on our children in the moment. And this is not just a technique for motherhood. This is a technique for any relationship that you may have. So an example of this outside of motherhood would be if you're in a meeting at work or at the church or wherever you are on a zoom meeting, how many of us are doing other things while we're at the meeting, maybe we're looking at our phone. Maybe we're sending emails. Maybe we are checking our Apple watch. Um, I don't have an Apple watch, but a lot of people do. So what that means is that we're multitasking. And if you're multitasking, it's impossible to focus on one thing at a time. It's impossible to give your attention fully to the person or persons that are in front of you.

Being here now is an intentional acts that we can take that allows us to be present in the moment. We're not in the past thinking about everything we should have woulda coulda done. And we're not in the future missing. What's happening right now in the present we're here now. And the technique is to really be intentional about being present in the moment at what's happening right now. So we are listening intently to the person that's in front of us. So when you think about your child and I am so guilty of this, so I've had to start being intentional about one particular thing that I'm going to tell you here in just a minute, but I'm so guilty of all of a sudden, I'll hear my kids say, mom, mom, and I'll be, and it'll be very urgent and pressured. And I'll be like, what?

He's like, I called you 12 times and you have ignored me. You haven't answered me. And I literally didn't hear it. Him calling me yet. He's been in the background yelling my name 12 different times, several different times until finally I heard him because he's screaming in my face. Mom, mom, that's an example of me being present in physicality with my son in the same room, but not being present to him or for him. And usually what's happening is I'm either on the phone, maybe I'm on social media, maybe I'm checking emails, maybe I'm reading texts or sending texts. Maybe I'm watching TV, which is the least likely out of all of those things. So what you can do part of the title was how to make sure your kids are seen or heard in 15 minutes or less a day. What you can do is let's just start with today and 15 minutes, okay? Let's dedicate 15 minutes where you put everything else away, no phone, no social media, no texting, no TV. And you're looking at your child. And your intention is to listen to understand what it is your child needs, what they want, what they want to do. And also if you're looking at your child, you see their body language, their eye contact, their fidget,

And you notice so many of them,

More things. If you are being here now, while you are not only listening to the words or listening to the sound, but you're looking at them and you're listening to the entire person, you're watching the way their head moves, their eyes, their hands, their body, you're watching them shift uncomfortably. When they're talking about a certain thing, some of these things you miss, or I miss, you know, I'm guilty of this too. Some of these things that I have missed in the past, or even today present, if I'm not practicing the be here now, and this is something you have to practice, but you're missing all of those extra cues and extra opportunities to connect with the person in front of you because you're preoccupied or you're not fully listening. Or sometimes we listen to respond. Instead of listening to understand, if we're just listening to understand, then we're really trying to put ourselves in their shoes.

We're trying to intentionally use empathy and understanding. Versus if you're listening to respond, you're thinking about what it is. You can say next. So as you're listening, you're in your head thinking what you're going to say next. Well, you cannot do two things at once. You can't really listen to what they're saying and pay attention to their body language and everything else. And also come up with your next response. So the technique is a specific, intentional action that you take in order to be present in the moment. And it's called be here. Now, you're not thinking about the past and you're not thinking about the future. You're right here right now. So what if you scheduled 15 minutes a day with each child to either have a conversation or maybe it's to play Legos, maybe you give that choice to the child about what it is he or she wants to do for that timeframe.

And you look at them, you interact with them. Maybe it's just to sit with them. Maybe it's just the cuddle. How much more effective can you be at listening and connecting with your child if you're being present in the moment without other distractions? So that's the biggest tip that I have is to be here now. And certainly we can't do it all the time because we are moms and we do wear a lot of hats. But a lot of what we've talked about in a of a lot of these past episodes are ways to be intentional about what it is we're doing. So this is another skill that you can practice and be intentional about practicing it. Something else that I've done for the past two weekends is turn off social media. On Friday nights, I have not checked messages. I have turned off the notifications to my messages on Instagram and Facebook, and I haven't needed to delete the app.

But if you're a type of person that will just click it out of boredom or click it when there's nothing else to do, then maybe you need to delete the app altogether. What if you do it just for the 15 minutes that you are going to dedicate to being with your child today. Okay. And this is the thing make it about today. Because again, when you think about motherhood as a whole, yeah, that's really overwhelming to think about all the times we've messed up all the times I've messed up, done the wrong thing, said the wrong thing. Um, yelled too loud, you know, responded in a way that was impatient or an anger. If I think about all those things all the time, that's really overwhelming, but we know about God's grace and we know about his mercy. And so that's what keeps me from just going kind of nuts is because I know that God can fill in the gaps where I wasn't able to, you know, be the best that I could be.

Okay. So the focus is, is to be present, be specific, be intentional about, just start with 15 minutes a day, you can do anything for 15 minutes a day, right? When you look at it like that instead of a lifetime of motherhood or even a year or a week, when you think about it in just today. So today, what can I do to let my child know that I love him and that he's important and that I'm hearing him, you can do 15 minutes a day, right? Use that technique be here. Now let me know how it goes. I would love to hear an example of what you did to try to be here now, eliminate distractions, and really listen to understand in the moment, I'd love to hear your testimonies about how you were able to do that. What worked for you, what didn't work for you.

And I think in the community, in the Facebook community, there's a lot of sisters in there that can resonate with what it is. You tried, what it is that worked, and then maybe what it is that didn't work because that's the other key to there. So the second thing I want to bring up real quick is you're going to be here now. And you're going to think about it just today to make it more manageable and make it more bite-size. But the, so it's really the third thing. First thing is be here. Now, second thing is to talk about just today, what can you do today to be here now? And third is to get in community with other mothers. I promise you, there are other mothers that you can be in community with that struggle, same places that you and I do when we're in community.

And we can talk to each other and support each other, encourage each other, give each other our own testimonies of successes and failures, then better for it. And you know, my pastor said something the other day that I was like, yeah, that's so true. You know, you'd say, you know, that saying of it takes a village to raise a child. Well, it takes a village to raise me as an adult. It takes a village or a community to raise and grow me because we're never stopping in our growth. Right? We are continuing to grow. And if we're continuing to always grow and we're continuing to always be raised up in Christ, then our community is a place that God has called us to, to live that out with walk out that thing together in life. And so community is the, the third thing that I want to encourage you to get into a community, whether it's a Facebook group or any other place, maybe it's your church group.

Um, maybe it's a group of friends, but get into community with moms. Talk about it and remember to be here. Now, when you're listening to that, mama share her story because maybe you have some advice for her, uh, that she hasn't thought of. Yeah. Maybe a word of encouragement or maybe a, yeah, me too. I feel that way too. Okay. Okay. All right, girls, let me just pray about this with you guys, because it's just about being strengthened and being realistic about what the expectations of motherhood are, understanding that you were given your children on purpose for a purpose. No other mother can raise her children. Like you can, you were put there on purpose. God knew exactly what he was doing by putting you in the spot to raise that seed, to raise your child. And he also puts you in the communities that you're connected with on purpose as well, because it does take a village to raise a child, but it takes a village to raise each other too.

We're always growing. So are our children. So you never failed. As long as you don't quit, you've never failed. You can't fail if you don't quit. Okay. And every day is a new day. Heck every minute is a new is a new minute. So I messed up this past half hour. Well, let's take a 15 minutes and let's not mess up. Let's actually, um, do what we say we were going to do. And let's be here now for the next 15 minutes. And that could impact our child way more than just happened 30 minutes ago. Okay. So give yourself some grace. Okay. None of us are meant to be perfect. None of us are meant to be the perfect mother and none of us are ever going to achieve the perfect motherhood. Quote, unquote, I'm doing air quotes right now. None of us are going to achieve motherhood while we're still alive, because it's an ongoing thing.

It's it never ends. We will always be a mother and we always have an opportunity every minute that goes by, we have another opportunity. So I know that each of us can be empowered to do the best that we can do in just 15 minutes. Break it down to however small you need to break it down to, to make it work. Don't make it so big that you feel like it's a goal that you can never reach. And certainly do not compare yourself to other mothers that you see, because the reality is you don't live 24 seven with that mother and you don't know everything that happens in that home. And so you're only comparing yourself to what the story that you're telling yourself about what you see in front of your eyes, whether it's on social media or in a magazine or on TV or whatever it is.

You're, um, you're, you're pulling that information from just remember, that's not a reality. That's the reality that you've created and told your story about, okay, that's not, you don't live their life and you don't know what's happening in their home. So don't compare your state of motherhood with other mothers. Certainly let's be in community and talk and encourage and empower with each other, but let's not compare ourselves to each other. Okay? God, I want to thank you today for my sisters, my friends, my fellow mothers. And I just ask that you give us each the clarity and, uh, about what it is you're calling us to do and how it is that you want us to serve our children, let us be attentive to the needs of our children. Let us have the strength that we need to, uh, stay in patients to use wisdom and discernment.

When it is we're responding to whatever happens with our children and help us know that you are standing in the gaps when we have not done what we felt like we should have done and let us not be condemned. There's no condemnation in Christ. So there's no guilt or shame. That's not of God. We want to be accountable. God point out to us, let the Holy spirit convict us where we need to be convicted and help us repent, which means turn away from those things that we've done that are damaging to ourselves and to others. But give us the strength to walk in grace and mercy, as you have given us and give us the strength to walk in. Love the love that you have shown us. Let us show that love to our children. Thank you for all that you've done in the name of Jesus. Amen. Okay, sisters, uh, don't forget to join us over on the Facebook group. Holy made life. I can't wait to see you over there until then. I'll see you on the next episode.

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